Oct. 12, 2022

starting a podcast feels not good

My podcast launched yesterday, and I'm equal parts ecstatic and embarrassed.

Let me explain.

If you've known me for a while, you've seen my fair share of blogs. It started in college with one that transformed my many embarrassing anecdotes to biblical metaphors (I have to say this was a hit while it lasted). It continued with one I'd post on sporadically whenever I felt inspired, which was... every six months? The last attempt was a challenge to write a haiku every day for a year. I wrote 52. Wait, I lied. I buried the poetry Instagram page that I kept hidden from all but two people in the way way back of my hippocampus. Don't look for it; I deleted it.

We all do this, pursuing big dreams briefly just to run away from them, in various ways for endless reasons. For me, I blame the fact that I'm an enneagram 3w4. For those who aren't aware of this personality test, this means I am incredibly motivated by achievement and esteem with a side of desire to be creative and authentic. This combination is a cruel one. I have a deep longing to share my artistic processes with others, while simultaneously caring way too much about what other people think about me. Once I've convinced myself that I'm being more judged than appreciated, the humiliation takes over and whatever project I'm working on comes to a screeching halt. Just last night I was thinking about how many personal Instagram followers I'd convinced to carry over to my podcast page so far (about 50 out of 750). That means 700 of them don't back me yet. I pictured myself on a stage before an audience of those 700 people. I proceeded to not sleep.

So let's start a podcast about mental health, vulnerability, and boldness in transparency? Yes. I am obviously the one to pioneer this.

All sarcasm aside, this is the one I truly want to make work. Why? Well, in short, I want to use my naturally God-given gifts and interests to help other people. I'm a licensed clinical social worker. I have a passion for guiding others on journeys to improved mental health. I want vulnerability to be normalized. I've dabbled in preaching and writing. And I'm still holding onto that childhood dream of being a sports broadcaster. This is all of that at once, and because of that I truly feel called to create this community where we can come authentic, as we are, together - and discover more positive minds, ironically, through the fact that we aren't going through the negatives of life by ourselves. 

While I am taking this as an opportunity for leadership, I will never pretend to have it all together. This podcast is just as much for me as it is for you, and I humbly thank you if you've decided to come along for the ride.

The first episode of the Not Good podcast, "therapy: good for the not good" is available now on all platforms. One of my best friends, Amanda, who is also a therapist, joins me to discuss what therapy should look like and how to find a clinician who's the right fit for you. We also share about our own therapy adventures (yes, therapists need their own, especially us). If you've never gone to therapy and are considering it (or know someone who is), this is perfect for you. I encourage you to tune in and thank you if you already have!

And that thing you've been dreaming about for a long time but have been sitting on and hesitating about for years? You should do that thing. Like yesterday. There's a reason it's still bugging you, and it's because you're supposed to do it. Take the leap. I'm right beside you, just as petrified.

I hope you're good, but I'll be here if you're not.

- MJ